"There’s a lot of fellas out there who need a belt around their waist in order to feel like a real man when they’re on the job.
But it takes a real man to know that he can only step it up to the next level when there’s a belt strapped around his throat.”
Since becoming UCBW Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion, I have brought the crown jewel of comedy wrestling to places it has never been. Marz, you may have brought the title into final orbitz that were out of this galaxy. But did you ever initiate it into a revoultion…The Furry Revolution. Cause I did. I dressed the title up in a fuzzy snake suit at a Furry Convention Sunday night in Columbus, Ohio and cobra whipped some Filipino freak in a gorilla suit.
Chuck McMahon, you may have flown it down to BJ Island, where the coconuts fall freely from the trees and the spudnuts shoot wildly out of the Megastars’ wangs. But did you ever take it over to Blumpkin Island? Cause I used that belt as an enema Tuesday afternoon to induce the ultimate erotic sensation of defacating during orgasm while Tracy and I got serviced side by side by preteens as we overlooked the Long Island Sound.
And Uncle Eddie, you may have taken the UCBW Title down to the VFW in Belle Harbor and let everypathetic old prune show once again how worthless a cause they’ll fight for as they whined about who was cutting the line to get a picture with you and a worthless souvenir. But did you ever take it to the Francis Shervia Nursing Home in the Bronx? That’s where I used it like a pillow smothering our Great Uncle Freddie’s face, putting him out of his misery once and for all. And then I had sex with him.
No. No, you faggots did not.
This title belt is in my world now. I am the face of the UCBW. And I put that face up in any ass I want to. So please, Uncle Eddie, and all you other cowards parading around as Megastars, come try to take this belt away from me. And someday someone will. But know that just like Uncle Eddie used to look into Aunt Regina’s eyes and know that looking back at him was a shell of the thirteen yead-old girl who had her virginity forced out of her in an F.W. Wollworth break room, so will the UCBW title now always carry a little bit of my pink and a whole lot of my stink. When you wonder where its luster went, know that I was its first. It’s first EVERY-THAAAAAAAANG.